tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6398614958488349827.post8385940463141800217..comments2024-01-20T13:30:53.223+00:00Comments on Madam J-Mo: Confession: I’m a married feminist… and I share my husband’s surnameJanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08994872363987967637noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6398614958488349827.post-3473344854829167572011-11-27T11:42:27.018+00:002011-11-27T11:42:27.018+00:00I'm one of three sisters, all brought up to be...I'm one of three sisters, all brought up to be what my mum calls "individuals", probably all feminists in one way or another. I kept my name, sister 2 changed hers, sister 3 kept hers for business use and changed it for home use. Then... quite a few years later we adopted an "older child", aged 7 at the time. He was going to have to change <br />his name (and a whole lot else besides) so I decided to change mine too in solidarity. It was hard for both of us, a kind of little bereavement.<br /><br />But what I'm trying to say is it is an individual's choice. There are more options, and you've covered some. I also know people who have merged their names. The important thing is for people to know they do have a choice and to make that choice mindfully, not just sleepwalk into it.bramblejamhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11453752693542723307noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6398614958488349827.post-57507473645575133612011-11-13T20:33:46.410+00:002011-11-13T20:33:46.410+00:00Thanks for writing this. I'm a recently marrie...Thanks for writing this. I'm a recently married feminist & I took my partners name. I'd been starring the deedpoll to change my surname (didn't like it, was trying to escape abusive ex, felt like my fathers name not mine any way etc..) before I got engaged. When we did it seemed like a sensible idea to take his. A week before the wedding we started to think about choosing a new joint surname but it seemed to late. I've never felt that my surname has ever been more than a patriarchal consruct which left me remarkably blase about it at the time. We're toying with choosing a new name in the future now, that's our choice though no one elses. <br />For me it's the Mrs pre-fix I feel strongly about. I've been a Ms for years and I do not want to change it. For me personally that smacks of ownership more. I get that others will see it differently though.pseudodevianthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17628129534652957676noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6398614958488349827.post-74686612533333129762011-11-11T11:06:23.327+00:002011-11-11T11:06:23.327+00:00Hi Helen, and thanks for your comment. Your point ...Hi Helen, and thanks for your comment. Your point about the inequalities of it typically being the woman who adopts the man’s name, rather than vice versa, has been raised by several people, so I thought I should write an answer…<br /><br />I agree it is only truly equal if both people change their name, and then both people are starting off on equal footing, with equal weight carried to the name. But short of amalgamating the two previous surnames, or adopting a new name, there doesn’t seem a way around this. For my husband and I, this wasn’t something we wanted to do. But I appreciate other people may have a stronger view.<br /><br />Of course, you’re right in saying: “If changing your name is a positive way of affirming your new identity as a married person, why does it make sense that only one person - still overwhelmingly the woman - should do it, while the other retains the same identity they have always had?”<br /><br />If I was going to find a feminist argument in this, then this angle is what I’d go for. One problem I had was that it is typically the woman who is expected to change not only her surname BUT ALSO her title (I’ve written before about what an outdated concept I think titles are, full stop), while the man changes nothing. It would be wonderful to see more parity between men taking their wife’s name and vice versa, but although I’ve heard some anecdotes of this, it is sadly very unusual. <br /><br />I don’t think that we’ve lost the patriarchal shadow associated to bride’s changing their names. Unfortunately, it’s still very much there. But then, my original surname was my father’s surname, and my new surname is my husband’s father’s surname. It was briefly tempting to revert to my mother’s pre-marriage surname as I have a very close relationship with her. Yet this would be meaningless to my husband, who is similarly close to his parents. And so on.<br /><br />In essence, a surname is a ‘family name’, and the name my husband and I have decided to share is now the name of our small family.Janehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08994872363987967637noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6398614958488349827.post-54923715206549324432011-11-10T23:23:45.836+00:002011-11-10T23:23:45.836+00:00of my colleagues recently married, the women in th...of my colleagues recently married, the women in the partnership 2 have changed to husbands surnames, 1 husband has changed to her name, 2 have kept their nameChrisUsherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10790518234827361985noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6398614958488349827.post-48982944442552617842011-11-10T17:19:33.882+00:002011-11-10T17:19:33.882+00:00Interesting post. I've always assumed I would ...Interesting post. I've always assumed I would keep my own name (yep, I hate the term 'maiden name' too) when/ if I get married. But I can completely understand the desire for you both to have the same surname, to create a unit together as one. I guess my only gripe would be, as Helen says above, how it usually falls to the woman to change her name.<br /><br />In addition, I really hate the whole 'proper feminist' and 'more feminist than thou' thing too. It's massively patronising and insulting for other people to dictate to you whether you can call yourself a feminist or not.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6398614958488349827.post-90436633271699034422011-11-10T15:33:48.805+00:002011-11-10T15:33:48.805+00:00Lovely post. The decision, quite rightly, is entir...Lovely post. The decision, quite rightly, is entirely yours.Kenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16530130698486135358noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6398614958488349827.post-57621277322602819882011-11-10T13:55:49.288+00:002011-11-10T13:55:49.288+00:00It's true that this subject invites a lot of s...It's true that this subject invites a lot of strong feelings on both sides. I don't mean to join those who berate you for your decision, but I would like to answer one point you made.<br /><br />"To me, sharing my husband’s surname has nothing to do with losing my identity – quite the opposite. I’m affirming my identity. I recently made a public and lifelong commitment with this man, and it seems bizarre that we would not share a surname. "<br /><br />I agree that sharing a name can be a powerful symbol for what marriage is supposed to be: two people joining together. But it seems to me the argument of "affirming your identity" only really works if both parties change their names (for example, to your excellent suggestion of Bowie). If changing your name is a positive way of affirming your new identity as a married person, why does it make sense that only one person - still overwhelmingly the woman - should do it, while the other retains the same identity they have always had? I think we need to see much greater parity between men and women changing their names upon marriage before we can argue that the patriarchal shadow of brides losing their surnames has really passed us by.<br /><br />Having said that, it was heartening to read that your husband would have been happy to change his name to yours. Men often seem more conservative in this respect than women - for example leaving their name as it is when their wife double-barrels.Helenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15787708792184032639noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6398614958488349827.post-19260802342402453172011-11-10T13:27:32.406+00:002011-11-10T13:27:32.406+00:00Great post. I got married in July and while I'...Great post. I got married in July and while I'd always assumed I'd do the feminist thing and keep my name, I did find it emotionally harder to do than I'd expected. After I got married and came back to work I did have a week of two where I was almost sorry I hadn't taken my husband's name. <br />A few months on and I am glad I took the decision I did. Keeping my own, original name was right for me. But I do understand better why some choose to change their names. I'm not as strident about it as I used to be that's for sure.<br />Most important thing is, it doesn't make you any less of a woman, a wife or a feminist - regardless of which option you take.Lorihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18027899810012047050noreply@blogger.com